


Human Females Sure Are Weird!

by AceyEnn



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Captchalogue prompts, F/F, F/M, Gen, fun with sex ed, periods!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-30
Updated: 2011-03-30
Packaged: 2017-10-17 09:45:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/175509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceyEnn/pseuds/AceyEnn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Dave makes a comment about Jade being on her period, the trolls try to figure out what he's talking about. Hilarity ensues, maybe! Rated for swears and talk of lady bits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which The Scene Is Set And Dave Is An Asshole

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written for the following Captchalogue prompt:
> 
> "Jade, for whatever reason, is acting particularly grouchy one day. Dave makes an offhand crack about her being on her period. The trolls are curious and try to find out what a period is. Through a mix of Dave being Dave, and the wonders of the internet, they become convinced that Jade is about to turn into some kind of frothing-raging-murder machine.
> 
> "Cue the terrified trolls desperately trying to alchemize chocolate to pacify her, and other hilarious reactions."
> 
> Note that I am unsure of how to add color on AO3, so it's not colored. If any of you could tell me how to add color, I would be very grateful!
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.

CCG: FUCKASSES, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] responded to memo.

CAG: Oh my Gooooooood, Karkat!  
CAG: I can't 8elieve you're dragging us all into this.  
CCG: SHUT UP, THIS IS IMPORTANT.  
CCG: JADE'S GONE CRAZY, APPARENTLY.

CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] responded to memo.

CGC: WHO TOLD YOU TH4T? >:?  
CCG: YOUR "34RTH HUM4N BOYFR13ND" TOLD ME SHE WAS BEING A GODDAMN PSYCHOBITCH.  
CCG: SOMETHING ABOUT BEING ON HER "PERIOD," WHATEVER THAT MEANS.  
CAG: Whaaaaaaaat?  
CGC: WH4TS 4 P3R1OD  
CCG: JEGUS, WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?  
CGC: W3LL D4V3 TOLD YOU D1DNT H3? >;]  
CCG: SORT OF. HE DIDN'T GO INTO DETAILS.

CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] responded to memo.

CGA: This Sounds Worrisome  
CCG: NO SHIT.  
CGA: Is She Hurt  
CCG: HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW? ASK DAVE IF YOU'RE SO CURIOUS.  
CGA: Okay I Will Do That

CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] has left the memo.

CCG: FUCK.

~~~

Kanaya pursed her lips, pondering the best course of action. Periods--Rose had told her that they were a part of the human reproductive cycle, occurring only in females, and that it involved blood coming from...down there. She had told Rose to stop at that point. Even as a rainbow drinker, she found that thought disgusting.

Maybe Dave would know more. It couldn't hurt to ask, could it?

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  
GA: Hello Dave  
TG: oh shit its the lesbian vampire chick  
TG: sup  
GA: What Is A Lesbian  
TG: a chick whos into other chicks  
TG: what do you not have those on your bizarro planet that doesnt even exist anymore  
TG: gog you guys are fucked up  
GA: No I Think We Do  
GA: We Just Dont Have A Word For It I Guess  
GA: Anyway I Meant To Ask You Something  
TG: shoot  
GA: What Is A Period  
TG: its that dot that goes at the end of a sentence  
TG: rose is always on my ass to use them but im all fuck that shit  
GA: Not That Kind Of Period The Other Kind  
TG: oh those  
TG: basically its when an earth human girl or whatever starts bleeding out her vag  
GA: Vag  
TG: vagina  
TG: fuckin aliens how do they work  
TG: anyway its when a girl bleeds from there and she acts like a total bitch the whole time  
GA: Ahh  
GA: I Can Understand Why As It Sounds Painful And Unpleasant  
TG: yeah man  
TG: and it lasts for like a fucking week or something  
TG: every gogdamn month  
TG: also dont touch a bitch on her period  
TG: shes cursed  
TG: and only chocolate can stop her demonic and insatiable desire for human blood  
TG: or troll blood i guess  
GA: Oh My  
GA: This Is Most Distressing  
TG: i know right  
TG: girls sure are weird  
GA: Human Girls You Mean  
TG: sure whatever  
TG: g2g egberts bugging me  
GA: Okay  
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

Kanaya pondered this for a moment. Apparently human girls turned into demons every month, perhaps during the full moon or something. Clearly she would have to relay this information to the rest of the group.

"Karkat?" she called out. Karkat turned his chair towards her, a grim expression on his face.

"What did you find out, Kanaya?"

"According to Dave, human females develop an insatiable desire for blood during a roughly week-long period every...month, I guess they call them. Presumably this has to do with the blood loss they are experiencing during this time, but that is merely conjecture on my part."

"Blood loss?"

"Yes, out their...um...human nether regions." Kanaya blushed. This was beyond embarrassing.

"Fuck."

"Indeed."

"So how do we stop her?"

"Apparently chocolate is the one thing that can calm her."

"Do we have any?"

"Not that I am aware of. Shall we alchemize some?"

"Yeah. Anything to stop her homicidal rampage."


	2. In Which Aradia And Sollux Are Caught Making Out In The Alchemy Room And Chocolate Is Procured

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I don't think the rest of the fic is as good as the first chapter. I still hope you enjoy it.

Aradia and Sollux were making out in the alchemy room, which was not an abnormal occurrence--no one came in there except when it was necessary to make more food or sopor slime, and the trolls were well-stocked on both. So it startled them greatly to hear someone pounding on the door.

"LET US IN. IT'S FUCKING IMPORTANT."

"Oh God," Sollux groaned, pulling away from Aradia. "What do you want, KK?"

"Wh--Sollux, what the HELL are you doing in there?!"

"None of your business."

"I'm the leader, it's totally my business!"

"Whatever. What do you want?"

"I need to alchemize some chocolate."

"...Why?"

"Because Jade is apparently some sort of bloodthirsty demon who can only be satisfied with blood or chocolate, and shockingly, I'd prefer that we use the latter. NOW OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR."

Sollux groaned and got up. He opened the door and saw Karkat, Kanaya, Vriska, and Terezi standing there, all with deeply sober looks on their faces. It was kind of disturbing to see Terezi of all people with anything other than a creepy-ass grin, but he let it slide; if Karkat was to be believed, there was a fucking demon on the loose. "Come in," he sighed.

Karkat noticed Aradia sitting on the alchemiter platform, staring at him and the others in confusion. He also noticed that Sollux had dark red lipstick smeared all over his face.

"Dammit, can't you two spend five minutes doing something that DOESN'T involve making out?"

"We're making up for lost time," Aradia said nonchalantly.

"...I hate you two so much sometimes. Now get off the alchemiter. That's an order." Aradia shrugged and stood up. "Thank you."

Aradia walked up to the others, while Karkat set to work alchemizing the chocolate. "So what exactly happened?" she asked.

"Dave has informed us that Jade is on her period."

"...Her what now?" Aradia cocked her head to the side in confusion.

Kanaya was getting sort of sick of having to explain this whole concept, so Terezi was kind enough to take over for her. "It's when a human girl bleeds out some weird hole and goes on a rampage!" she explained helpfully.

"...Wouldn't that kill her?" Sollux inquired.

"Apparently not. Humans sure are weird!" At this, Terezi began laughing hysterically. "And their blood is supposed to be RED, too! Candy red! I want to try some of--"

"Shut uuuuuuuup, Terezi!" Vriska moaned, smacking Terezi upside the head. "You're being all gross again!"

"Hehehe."

After a few minutes, Karkat returned to the group, a rather impressively-sized box full of all manner of chocolate candies in his arms. "Well," he muttered. "Time to go placate the hellbeast."


	3. In Which The Trolls Attempt To Locate Jade And John Informs Them That They Have Been Grossly Misled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BLUH BLUH SHORT CHAPTER
> 
> Also the spacing on this chapter is a bit weird, since I had to switch to rich text in order to get Nepeta's text to show up (damn her typing quirk!). Sorry!

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

GA: Nepeta

GA: Do You Have Any Information Regarding Jades Whereabouts

AC: :33 < *the furocious feline thinks very hard about it!*

AC: :33 < *then she shakes her head sadly :((*

GA: I See

GA: Do You Know Of Anyone Who Might Know Then

AC: :33 < ummmmmm

AC: :33 < john might!

GA: Thank You Nepeta

GA: I Will Ask Him For Assistance

AC: :33 < *the kitty cat wonders why ga is so curious about jade!*

GA: Im Worried She Might Go On A Killing Spree

GA: Dave Implied That She Might

AC: :33 < well john is purrobably a better purrson to ask than me!

GA: Okay

GA: Thanks Again

AC: :33 < no purroblem! :33

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

 

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]

GA: John

GA: Do You Know Where Jade Is Right Now

EB: ummm...

EB: i don't know!

EB: you should go looking for her!

GA: Im Concerned Though

GA: Dave Said She Is Currently On Her Period And A Danger To Those Around Her

GA: And Cursed Apparently

EB: kanaya, i am pretty sure periods do not work that way!

GA: They Dont

EB: not from what ive read anyway.

GA: I See

GA: Thank You Very Much John

EB: hehe, no problem!

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]

 

Kanaya swiveled her chair around to face Karkat. "It appears we have been misled," she said.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"I am not entirely sure what constitutes a period; according to John, Dave isn't either, despite his own humanity."

 

"Goddammit! I'll break that fucker's nose!"

 

"Can I lick the blood off his face?"

 

"Shut up, Terezi."


	4. In Which Everything Works Out For The Best And The Premise For A Sequel Is Set Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL SHIP TEASE. Anyway, this is the last chapter! I do plan to write a sequel that takes Kanaya and Rose's conversation at the end to its logical conclusion, though.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  
GA: Dave Is It True That You Have Misled Us Regarding The Nature Of A Human Females Period  
TG: nah man  
GA: Are You Certain  
GA: John Said And I Quote  
GA: "Periods Do Not Work That Way"  
TG: okay clearly john has never met a woman before  
GA: Is That Actually Possible  
TG: idk  
GA: What  
TG: i dont know  
GA: Oh  
GA: In Any Case  
GA: We Have Alchemized Some Chocolate  
TG: k good  
TG: youre gonna need it when jade comes storming in all angry and shit  
TG: wanting to spill your weird rainbow blood everywhere  
TG: and probably lick it all up like a fucking dog  
TG: shits gross man  
GA: Terezi Actually Expressed An Interest In Tasting Your Human Blood If That Counts For Anything  
TG: nope  
GA: Okay  
TG: christ i thought you were the vampire here  
GA: Rainbow Drinker  
TG: sure whatever  
GA: If You Must Know I Am Subsisting On Animal Blood And Doing Quite Well  
TG: youre not one of those bullshit twilight vampires are you  
GA: Whats Twilight  
TG: its an earth human book about some bitch who fucks a vampire or something  
TG: and she has to decide between him and a werewolf  
GA: That Sounds Intriguing But Whats A Werewolf  
TG: a person who turns into a wolf during the full moon  
GA: So One Of Your Human Woofbeasts  
TG: basically  
GA: I See  
GA: Anyway I Am Unsure Of What To Believe At This Juncture  
GA: As You Honestly Do Not Seem To Be The Most Trustworthy Individual  
TG: what the fuck im the most trustworthy person on this whole fucking meteor  
TG: i mean just ask rose shell back me up  
TG: shes my sister after all  
TG: oh wait trolls dont have those  
TG: gog you guys are so fucked up  
TG: HOW HIGH do you have to BE.............  
TG: anyway bye  
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]  
GA: Rose  
GA: You Are A Human Female Correct  
TT: Why do you even need to ask?  
TT: But yes, I am.  
GA: Okay Just Checking  
GA: I Feel You Are Thus Qualified To Inform Me As To What Exactly A Period Is  
GA: Dave Was Helpful But I Am Unsure About The Veracity Of His Information  
TT: Oh God.  
TT: Okay. I'll explain, if you promise not to block me this time.  
GA: I Promise  
TT: Good.

Rose proceeded to go into detail about the whole thing. Kanaya had a number of questions, but Rose was willing to answer, and by the end of their chat Kanaya was fairly sure she knew what was going on with Jade.

TT: So do you understand now?  
GA: Yes  
GA: Thank You So Much Rose I Was Really Starting To Worry  
TT: Don't. It's perfectly normal.  
TT: Well, for humans, at least.  
GA: It Sounds Rather Unpleasant And Uncomfortable  
TT: For some, yes.  
TT: But like I said, it's normal.  
GA: Wow  
GA: Human Reproduction Sure Is Weird  
TT: I suppose so, looking at it from a non-human perspective.  
GA: Yes  
GA: Okay I Will Relay This Information To The Other Trolls  
TT: Okay, good.  
TT: And Kanaya?  
TT: Don't worry about Jade.  
GA: Okay I Wont  
TT: Good.  
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]

~~~

"So we're safe?" Karkat asked, not for the first time.

"As I said earlier, yes." Kanaya paused. "From Jade, at least."

"Good to know. Thanks, Kanaya."

"You're welcome. I must say, Rose seems rather knowledgeable about these matters of human sexuality and reproduction. Wise beyond her years, and--"

Vriska glared at her. "Gooooooood, Kanaaaaaaaaya! Shut up about your fucking girl-crush already!"

"It's paler red than that, Vriska."

"Psh. Yeah riiiiiiiight!"

It was at this point that Kanaya smacked Vriska upside the head. Vriska promptly shut up--she was fairly sure Kanaya had just cracked her jaw.

Stupid sexy rainbow drinkers.

~~~

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]  
GA: Rose I Have A Favor To Ask Of You  
TT: Oh?  
TT: What would that be, Kanaya?  
GA: If Its Not Too Much Trouble  
GA: Id Like You To Teach Us More About Your Human Reproductive Cycle  
GA: And Other Such Topics  
TT: I suppose I could do that.  
TT: I'm curious about how trolls reproduce, myself. Perhaps there are some things you could teach me.  
GA: Perhaps  
GA: For Now You Should Probably Get Some Sleep Though  
TT: What about you?  
GA: Im A Rainbow Drinker Remember  
GA: We Dont Sleep  
TT: I see.  
TT: Goodnight, in any case.  
GA: Goodnight Rose  
tentacleTherapist [TT] signed off!  
GA: <3


End file.
